by Glen Depke
For those that are having challenges within their relationships or if you have already ended a relationship, I find a consistent thought pattern that most of my clients have shared in the past. If my partner would not have done this or that wrong or if they only saw it my way. Trust me; what we think is the issue generally is not. These are the superficial issues and not typically at the core.
My opinions come from a place of living through a twenty year relationship that ended, learning and growing in a new relationship and from years of hearing the stories from my clients.
I don’t think that anyone goes into marriage thinking about anything but being with that person the rest of their life. I know when I was first married, I thought it was for life and I would have thought I was the last person that would ever get divorced. With that said, I ended up with the higher percentage of more than 50% of marriages that end in divorce. Did you know that the divorce rate is even higher for second marriages? Does not sound like a roaring endorsement for marriage does it? Well I can share that marriage can and does work but this takes a very special skill.
In my opinion, this special skill is the ability to look at yourself. Sure, when I was in the throws of my breakup after twenty years, I had all the if she would have done this or that, or if she would only look at it my way. Well guess what, I was all wrong. It was not about my ex wife at all, it was all my issues. Sure we know the saying, it takes two to tango but let’s look at some facts. The only person we have control over is ourselves. Think about how different our significant other would be if we addressed our own issues, yet this is the last place we go. It is much easier and convenient to blame others and be a victim rather than take responsibility for what is going on.
Often we will end relationships with the thought that there is something better out there, somebody that gets you, somebody that makes this all much easier. With this in mind we leave, find the “perfect” person, yet in the end it still falls apart. How could this “perfect” person turn on you? How could this all end up just like your last relationship? The answer to that is simple. You took you with you!
When we leave one relationship thinking the grass is greener, we don’t have it in our mind that we are actually the weed.
My recommendation to anyone that asks for my opinion is to work on yourself first. Figure out your own challenges, domestication and issues before you leave someone you love and look for where the grass is greener. Far too often when you do this, you end up with the same person. Different face, different name but the same person. This is because you are the same and you will attract into your life the same energy for yourself. Yikes, imagine going through all of this again.
I am so grateful to be able to share that my wife (Dawn) and I have recognized that we individually played a significant role in our past breakups and are willing to do what it takes to learn and grow as individuals so we have the ability to learn and grow as a couple. This should be so easy to understand but most of us were not taught the simple step. Look at yourself first!
Remember that the health of your relationship is an extremely important aspect of your overall health and wellness.
Be sure to read Dawn’s post on Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women to learn the woman’s perspective on my thoughts about relationships.
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